Category: Lafftastic

Okay, you need some good, cheap laffs these days. I’m finding them here at Rude Food, where foreign food products that sound smutty have been collected for your giggling pleasure.

Cowboy Bebop’s Andy and George “Five-Gallon Head” Bush:
Separated at Birth?
More Cowboy Bebop Precog?
A few days ago I posted about the Cowboy Bebop episode with its portrayal of the Space Shuttle Columbia and a re-entry that nearly destroys the ship. Well, last night I watched another episode that had strange parallels with today.
Called “Cowboy Funk” (Session #22), the story features a mad bomber, Mr. Teddy Bomber, who has been setting off bombs in various high rises. The episode opens on one of these, looking like a combination of the World Trade Center and Malaysia’s Petronas Towers (it has a connecting structure halfway up). Spike catches the bomber before he is allowed to detonate the bombs (disguised as teddy bears), but before he can handcuff him, another bounty hunter called “Andy” appears and screws the whole thing up, thinking that Spike is the bomber, and letting the culprit go free. The scene culminates in the connecting structure exploding and falling to the city below, creating a dust cloud not unlike the WTC aftermath.
As Andy is written, he’s a big dope, a brainless, righteous faux-cowboy who creates disaster wherever he goes. Sound familiar to the phony Kennebunkport cowboy set on destroying the world? Ya think? Later we see that Andy is actually a spoiled rich kid who lives on a large yacht, and Faye Valentine meets him for dinner.

FAYE: Um… So why are you a bounty hunter? If you’re so rich, uh, I mean if you have so much comfort in your life…
ANDY: Why, Let’s see… BECAUSE it suits me. That feeling a cowboy gets when he corners a bull.
Andy laughs heartily. Faye forces laughter.
FAYE: Oh… but you don’t have to go after such a dangerous bounty, do you?
ANDY: Yes! I don’t worry about things like that! Once I set my mind on something, I can see NOTHING else!

Sounds like our single-minded monkey king, no doubt. Purely a coincidence, but there’s further parallels. Spike and Andy get so wrapped up in their jealous hatred of each other that they lose track of the bomber, allowing him to explode several more devices. Sound a bit like the U.S.’s foreign policy? Just where is Osama “Wanted Dead or Alive” bin Laden, O Crawford Cowboy? (Trouble with this comparison is that Spike Siegel is our hero and not in any way like Hussain!)
And the bomber’s philosophy? Pure Ted Kaczynski: “I wanted to give a warning against all the unnecessary waste created by capitalism lacking philosophy. Planets that needlessly get colonized. Media that needlessly get circulated. And buildings that are needlessly tall to symbolize all of this! And by destroying them, I wanted to raise the question of how a true pioneer should be.”
This is one of the funniest episodes so far, in a series that can swing from sentimental to absurd, episode by episode.
Andy image by way of Bebopdabebop.
Chimpy McCokespoon image by way of George W. Bush: Smirking Arrogance

As found on Die Puny Humans:

Man requests Jesus for legal help
GAINESVILLE, Missouri (AP) — A Missouri man is calling on a higher power for his legal representation.
Richard John Adams requested Jesus Christ as his trial attorney during a hearing Wednesday on tampering charges. Adams, who described himself as a patriot and a Christian, says lawyers are “devils” who are trying to undermine the Constitution.
Ozark County Circuit Judge John Moody told Adams the only person who can speak for him in the courtroom is a lawful attorney.
Adams is charged with tampering with a judge for hostile comments made during an earlier traffic case. He faces a maximum of 14 years in prison if convicted of both counts.

“I’m out of order? You’re out of order! This whole f***ing legal system based on secular ideas and not on the Divine Law of God is out of order!!!!”

This image fills me with indescribable joy today.

The Age of Irony Is Dead. When they first said this, I didn’t want to believe it, but after reading the Reader Mail at the most excellent satirical page WhiteHouse.org, I’m inclined to agree. The number of readers who can’t see that this is straight-forward parody is staggering, from the frothing at the mouth, can-barely-suppress misogyny/homophobia/racism right wing chowder head to the humorless and over-earnest liberal ding-dong. There surely is no hope.
One of my many favorites:

SUBJECT = Mr. Predsident
NAME = Nancy & Clovis B. Vaughn
E-MAIL = promo@dc.rr.com
MESSAGE = My Husband, Major Clovis B. Vaughn is an Officer and an Engineer at 29 Palms Marine Base and a Texan, and a Graduate from Rice U ,and a strong supporter of you Mr. President along with my self Sir. Would you please see to it that Major Vaughn can meet with you Mr. President?, sometimes men need your support Sir, and may I please shake your hand.
We both thank the Lord that we have taken back the Goverment and that it is time for us to succeed!
This has nothing to do with my Husbnd Mr. President ,but my town Palm Springs Ca needs your help, with up as it has gone to ,,well to Lucefer as it is now currently 80% to 20% Homosexuals, a discusting way of life Sir, why is it ok in todays life to be imoral? The Mayor has told us in the Desert Sun Newspaper that he has given up on Jesus Christ.
Your Very Pround,
Voter,
Nancy Ann Vaughn

And then there’s this genius from somewhere in Canada (warning, there’s lots of swearing below):

SUBJECT = holy shit
NAME = gordon
E-MAIL = gordonsands@hotmail.com
MESSAGE = What the fuck were you sticking up your ass when you came up with this fucing site? That is fucking pathetic! HOLY SHIT 5% of Americans don’t masturbate, guess what that means…95% of you do!! Now I don’t have a degree in math or shit like that but 95% doing something is the majority of the population. Oh guess what? All these rapists, sodomites you talk about who were masturbators- becoming the worst criminals in the world, well guess what? I masturbate once a week or so and I’m studying to be a doctor(hey that means that I got into a really good university and one day may have to do a surgery on your sorry ass after someone kicks the shit out of it!) and I would never rape, sodomize, or look at a kid with nary a fantasy of sex with them EVER; so even if a few masturbators become heinous criminals- well when 95% of the people in the USA masturbate then more than likely anyone who masturbated (hey that’s almost 240,000,000!) would be a criminal. So shut the fuck up about everything and suck my dick. Oh yeah, just who the FUCK do you think you can get that will help you outlaw masturbation? I am so glad I’m a Canadian when I read stupid shit like this, you’ve got a fucking hick for a president and some of the worse laws in the world. I hope you all fucking rot in hell!
Oh PS….I don’t mean to be critical or anything but anyone who believes that god was always there, and that jesus fed like a million people from a fucking loaf of bread, or that he rose from the dead has to have something SERIOUSLY fucked up with them. I think almost every- no EVERY man in America and the world agrees with me, because I know that every single man in the world who can and it is in their religion has masturbated, even YOU faggot.

Remember, this guy is studying to be a doctor someday.

Recently, in my spare hours lying awake at night thinking of the earth’s IMPENDING DESTRUCTION AT THE HANDS OF A MONKEY, I comfort myself with reading selections from The Gospel According to Alex.
Linked from Fridge Magnet Concoctions

Everybody has seen those “Chinese Titles for American Movies” email, which to me have always seemed phony. Oliver Stone’s “Nixon” is translated as “Big Fat Liar” and so on–all coincidentally tailored to American humor.
Well, over at leylop’s blog about China she has some real translations. Most are tame, as expected, but occasionally there’s some doozies, more surreal than anything:
As Good As It Gets: Mr. Cats’ Shit ( mao shi xian sheng )
Charlie’s Angels: Lightning Cutie ( pi li tian shi )
Fargo: Moisturizing Lotion Murder ( xue hua gao li qi ming an )
Thelma & Louise: The Crazy Flower At The End Of The Road ( mo lu kuang hua )
In the Bedroom: The Incestuous Love ( luan lun zhi lian )
Top Gun: Lofty Ideal Above The Clouds ( zhuang zhi lin yun )
The Big Lebowski: Murdering the Green Toes ( mou sha lv jiao zhi )
Apparently, the Coen Brothers give the Chinese a lot of trouble.

Man, not only are those trading cards brilliant but The Propaganda Remix Project is even more so, with these updated World War II posters. A hit, a very palpable hit. Over 100 posters to choose from; which one will be yours?

How can one make sense of the War On Terrorism? How about using Kinbote’s American Crusade 2001 Trading Cards? I’m sure you will agree they’re doubleplusgood. They’re all pretty hilarious, and it was hard to pick two, but here, lookee:

Wheee! Trade ’em all!

This is precious, and so in need of a smutty caption, I thought I’d leave it up to you. Please suggest something via the “Comment” link below!

Photo from Tsinghua University
Linked from the fascinating China Blog