Hmm, a piece of

Hmm, a piece of the shuttle. Do I:
a) Touch it and gain superhuman strength?
b) Sell it on eBay?
c) Die later of a strange, outerspace flesh-eating virus?

Order up another 2,000 rolls of police tape because, as NBC News and other outlets are putting it, the National Guard are treating the shuttle debris as “one big crime scene.”
No doubt that the pieces are quite toxic. And no doubt that some dumbass (link surely to come) will touch it, thinking they will be turned into a cool superhero or something. But compare the attitude to this mystery to the biggest crime in recent memory, 9.11.2001. They couldn’t wait to get that wreckage carted off and destroyed, which it was, laying to rest any chance of truly investigating what happened that day. Whoops! How convenient.
Also, no doubt that some loonball conspiracy theorist will see some organization’s hand in yesterday’s disaster, especially seeings the shuttle contained an Israeli and blew up over a Texas town called Palestine. Oh, the irony! Surely, it’s a message!

Ize just can’t stop da sieg heil!
But talking about conspiracies, The Memory Hole has this fascinating slip by Rumsfeld in an innocuous interview for Parade Magazine.

“It is a truth that a terrorist can attack any time, any place, using any technique and it’s physically impossible to defend at every time and every place against every conceivable technique. Here we’re talking about plastic knives and using an American Airlines flight filed with our citizens, and the missile to damage this building and similar (inaudible) that damaged the World Trade Center. The only way to deal with this problem is by taking the battle to the terrorists, wherever they are, and dealing with them.”

Missile? That damaged the Pentagon? Wasn’t it supposed to be an airplane?
Ah, the mystery goes on…

The Age of Irony Is

The Age of Irony Is Dead. When they first said this, I didn’t want to believe it, but after reading the Reader Mail at the most excellent satirical page, I’m inclined to agree. The number of readers who can’t see that this is straight-forward parody is staggering, from the frothing at the mouth, can-barely-suppress misogyny/homophobia/racism right wing chowder head to the humorless and over-earnest liberal ding-dong. There surely is no hope.
One of my many favorites:

SUBJECT = Mr. Predsident
NAME = Nancy & Clovis B. Vaughn
MESSAGE = My Husband, Major Clovis B. Vaughn is an Officer and an Engineer at 29 Palms Marine Base and a Texan, and a Graduate from Rice U ,and a strong supporter of you Mr. President along with my self Sir. Would you please see to it that Major Vaughn can meet with you Mr. President?, sometimes men need your support Sir, and may I please shake your hand.
We both thank the Lord that we have taken back the Goverment and that it is time for us to succeed!
This has nothing to do with my Husbnd Mr. President ,but my town Palm Springs Ca needs your help, with up as it has gone to ,,well to Lucefer as it is now currently 80% to 20% Homosexuals, a discusting way of life Sir, why is it ok in todays life to be imoral? The Mayor has told us in the Desert Sun Newspaper that he has given up on Jesus Christ.
Your Very Pround,
Nancy Ann Vaughn

And then there’s this genius from somewhere in Canada (warning, there’s lots of swearing below):

SUBJECT = holy shit
NAME = gordon
MESSAGE = What the fuck were you sticking up your ass when you came up with this fucing site? That is fucking pathetic! HOLY SHIT 5% of Americans don’t masturbate, guess what that means…95% of you do!! Now I don’t have a degree in math or shit like that but 95% doing something is the majority of the population. Oh guess what? All these rapists, sodomites you talk about who were masturbators- becoming the worst criminals in the world, well guess what? I masturbate once a week or so and I’m studying to be a doctor(hey that means that I got into a really good university and one day may have to do a surgery on your sorry ass after someone kicks the shit out of it!) and I would never rape, sodomize, or look at a kid with nary a fantasy of sex with them EVER; so even if a few masturbators become heinous criminals- well when 95% of the people in the USA masturbate then more than likely anyone who masturbated (hey that’s almost 240,000,000!) would be a criminal. So shut the fuck up about everything and suck my dick. Oh yeah, just who the FUCK do you think you can get that will help you outlaw masturbation? I am so glad I’m a Canadian when I read stupid shit like this, you’ve got a fucking hick for a president and some of the worse laws in the world. I hope you all fucking rot in hell!
Oh PS….I don’t mean to be critical or anything but anyone who believes that god was always there, and that jesus fed like a million people from a fucking loaf of bread, or that he rose from the dead has to have something SERIOUSLY fucked up with them. I think almost every- no EVERY man in America and the world agrees with me, because I know that every single man in the world who can and it is in their religion has masturbated, even YOU faggot.

Remember, this guy is studying to be a doctor someday.

Now he really thinks he’s

Now he really thinks he’s Reagan. The unelected president actually got through a speech without smirking or laughing today when he had to address the nation about the Space Shuttle disaster. Bush did the expected thing, reading the teleprompter well and all that. But did he then have to go into a Christian sermon?

He quoted the prophet Isaiah, who said, “Lift your eyes and look to the heavens, and then added, “The same Creator who names the stars also knows the names of the seven souls we mourn today. The crew of the shuttle Columbia did not return safely to Earth, yet we can pray that all are safely home.”

That’s from the Washington Post, that doesn’t go into the full Isiah quote (40:25 if you’re reading along):”Lift your eyes and look to the heavens: Who created all these? He who brings out the starry host one by one, and calls them each by name. Becuase of his great power and mighty strength, not one of them is missing.”
Bush emphasizes the words “power” and “strength”–he has trouble with “starry host one by one”–and then in his own words “yet we can pray that all are safely home,” he pauses long after “pray” before he continues.
Were all the astronauts Christian? Was the Israeli? Was the Indian? Is all of America?
And what does this bible quote have to do with the Space Shuttle blowing apart? At least they could have trawled the bible for a quote about grief and loss, but apparently the speechwriters, so pressed to find some way to use the tragedy to butter up to his fundamentalist followers just typed in “stars” in their Bible e*text search engine. Well done there.
Using this mourning period to again give us his born-again shuck and jive is opportunistic and crass, but not unexpected.

Terry Jones of Monty Python

Terry Jones of Monty Python fame has his say.

Terry Jones: I’m losing patience with my neighbours, Mr Bush
Terry Jones
Sunday January 26, 2003
The Observer
I’m really excited by George Bush’s latest reason for bombing Iraq: he’s running out of patience. And so am I!
For some time now I’ve been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street. Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me queer looks, and I’m sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me, but so far I haven’t been able to discover what. I’ve been round to his place a few times to see what he’s up to, but he’s got everything well hidden. That’s how devious he is.

Okay, so first we’re all

Okay, so first we’re all traitors. Now we’re all Iraqi spies. They’ll say anything to try to shut us up (and lock us up).

Exclusive: Report: Iraqi spies in U.S.
WASHINGTON – Iraq sent spies from Canada to New York and Washington this month to snoop and stir up anti-war demonstrations, according to a government report obtained by the Daily News.
The classified document also reveals a plot by Al Qaeda-linked militants in Zimbabwe to attack American targets in that country and elsewhere if the U.S. declares war on Iraq.

The outrage builds and spreads.

The outrage builds and spreads. Gotta hand it to the Episcopalians!

Episcopalian leader lashes out at Bush for ‘reprehensible’ policy
Tuesday, January 14, 2003
WASHINGTON — The top bishop of the Episcopal Church, in a stinging rebuke of American foreign policy, said the United States is rightly “hated and loathed” around the world for its “reprehensible” rhetoric and blind eye toward poverty and suffering.
“I’d like to be able to go somewhere in the world and not have to apologize for being from the United States,” Presiding Bishop Frank T. Griswold 3rd said Friday in an interview with Religion News Service.
Griswold, head of the 2.3million-member church, blasted the Bush administration for its wartime rhetoric, especially labeling Iran, Iraq and North Korea an “axis of evil.”
“Quite apart from the bombs we drop, words are weapons and we have used our language so unwisely, so intemperately, so thoughtlessly … that I’m not surprised we are hated and loathed everywhere I go,” he said.

In essence, we are headed

In essence, we are headed by a South American, banana republic style dictator says this witty article in the Guardian.

American presidents all mixed up
In a bizarre twist, global bankers love Lula and despair of Bush
Richard Adams
Wednesday January 29, 2003
The Guardian
It’s surprising that no one has noticed this, but it looks as if there has been a terrible mix-up involving American presidents.
For some time there have been suggestions that US president George Bush doesn’t know what’s he is doing. The answer is simple: he’s supposed to be the president of Brazil.
Meanwhile, Luiz Inacio Lula da Silva – or Lula, as the new president of Brazil is known – should be president of the United States. The mix-up is obvious, when you consider the facts.
Wealthy oligarchs, who reach high office through nepotism, promoting friends of their family into government while presiding over corporate sleaze, and running up vast debts by making tax giveaways to their rich, rightwing supporters – that’s the sort of behaviour that South American presidents are renowned for.
Meanwhile, policies of stern fiscal prudence, applauded by the international financial markets, coupled with tough welfare reform, is what is expected from leaders of the United States.
But in a bizarre geo-political twist, these stereotypes have been turned on their heads. While the president of South America’s most important country couldn’t be more different as a person than the president of North America’s most important country, it’s hard not to think the world would be a better place if the two men swapped jobs.